Reference Point

                  

I took a little poorly written poetry detour yesterday. It made sense to me. I was feeling it big time. However, once I had The Hubs read it, he made it abundantly clear that he had absolutely no clue what I was trying to say. Ok, so I guess I should explain. Add a reference point so to speak.

If you're one of the few who read yesterday's crap for poetry. Firstly, sorry. Secondly, I tried to allude to the theme of which I was discussing. Not so clear as I've been told. I was writing in regards to how I'm feeling with FaceBook and TV/Netlfix out of my life. Frankly, I feel as bare as a baby at birth. Naked, covered in goo, and entering a new, foreign world. It doesn't quite seem like a great way to enter any situation. Yet, here I sit. Bewildered. Naked from my electronic addictions being stripped away. Covered in the goo of stress and extra time I don't know how to handle. And entering the new, foreign world of true life--like where I actually have to live in the present and not through a screen.

And it hasn't even been a week. And it's not even my internet free week! This all from two measly things exiting my to-do list. Insignificant they may seem to the untrained eye. To my brain, it is utter chaos. Addictions are hard to break. They increase the happy neurons firing, but leave you feeling with a bit less; thus always wanting to re-achieve that initial high. That's what FaceBook did for me. Ever-changing as it is, I was always re-seeking the high from the minute before. Who will comment on my status? Who posted new pictures? Who did what and went where today? It's a never-ending cycle of being in the know. Someone is always doing something, so you always have to play catch up. And this is what I've been doing for almost five years--feeding an addiction by playing catch up.

Even as I sit here, I still desire to go back to FaceBook. I often have to stop myself as I unconsciously type "F" into the URL bar for FaceBook. I miss my friends and virtual relationships. I hate feeling out of the loop. Nothing has stepped in as of yet to take the place FaceBook filled for me. Add to this the fact that my calming technique for myself and the boys has also been stripped from our lives. I have an addiction I'm quitting cold turkey, which leads to stress. When stressed, I turn on the Netflix for it's mind-numbingly soothing qualities. No Netflix equals added stress. Stress from killing a habit that can not be soothed leads to even more stress. And also to horribly created poetry, as the case may be.

I'm only four days in. The urges are still there. I miss being around a virtual community daily. My days feel void and empty. Hurriedly, I'm trying to find ways to fill them up, but nothing seems to fit quite right. My experiment is working, but only to expose the brutal honesty of what I need to fix. So here I'll sit, typing some more, and praying for anything to enter my day and bring me joy to erase the grief.

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Since I'm so obviously desperate to connect, I'm on Twitter, Google +, and AOL Instant Messenger (minimalistmommi [at] gmail [dot]com).