In my quest to create a few posts for "No Internet" week, I asked all you lovely readers to ask some questions for a Q&A post. Despite only one question being asked, it is an amazing topic worthy of a post devoted entirely to the subject. So what is this question?
Asked by Bec B: How do you get the hubby to join you on your minimalist journey? Has it created problems? Brought you closer?
The relationship between husband and wife is a delicate balance. The Hubs and I are two extremes. I'm the bossy, dominant one. He's the laid-back, relaxed one. For years, I was willingly handed the reigns. I had my whip handy at all times and kept this coach a movin'. In this coach, minimalism sat. I drove it around as my trusty stead obliged and followed orders.
And this is the story of our relationship from the time we moved in together until almost a year ago. Due to The Hubs' apathetic nature and my overwhelmingly loud voice, I got quite used to getting what I wanted. My goals towards minimalism were rarely questioned. I bought what I wanted. Kept what I wanted. Got rid of what I wanted. And the only time I received any bucking from that trusty stead was when it involved his stuff.
Let's discuss The Hubs' "stuff" strategy before we delve any further. When we met my senior year of high school (and his year of "going to college" aka ditching class), The Hubs was still living at home in his childhood room. You were fortunate if you opened the door and could see a speck of the floor. Typical college boy to say the least. When I visited his house, I was often found picking up his room. Big mistake. Let's just say that this man still has yet to learn the phrase "clothes hamper." Fast forward to our marriage a year and a half later. Right after getting hitched, we moved a hundred miles away to our first place truly together. Pre-marital counseling didn't quite cover decorating, but thankfully, we were pretty much on the same page. Our tiny apartment could've been right out of the Ikea catalog. Plus, seeing as how we were both living at home right before getting married, we didn't have a lot to take with us. Minimalism was easy in the beginning. We didn't have a lot. We were the usual poor college kids. And I had almost full control of the house.
So what changed? Kids. Our minimalist house became instantaneously cluttered with everything "baby." I got overwhelmed. Life got overwhelming. More "stuff" commitments. More time commitments. More arguments. More money worries. Marriage, as we knew it, had changed the instant that little guy came screaming out of the birth canal.
With all the stress the kids bring (unplanned children nonetheless), our relationship needed to change. Our extremes were becoming more pronounced and anger-inducing. Things had to change or we had to move on. This is when my inherent need for minimalism was questioned. His aesthetics are different than mine. I could live in a sleeping bag. He requires a mattress and frame. I got rid of the throw pillows. He claims our house looks bare and that of a "poor" person. The real feelings finally emerged. I gripped the reigns tighter, not willing to compromise. I pushed on. Told him he had to get rid of X amount of things. Told him to suck it up, it's my house. I'm the one home all day cleaning, so I get the say unless he wants to start taking the initiative to clean. I wasn't used to this sort of resistance from the surfer-esque dude.
Welcome today. We're working on respecting and accepting the other person's needs and feelings when it comes to stuff. I took a back seat and said okay to him keeping the snowboard and books that haven't been touched in years. He agreed to give me almost full control over what we do in the bedroom (not like that, y'all. Furniture). And we talk a lot. This is probably my doing, but he's finding his voice and opinion through it all. We both seem happier. Balance seems within reach.
Other than the what stays and what goes dilemma, there's the money. This, well, this topic is still sort of a big deal. You see, The Hubs was never taught money management. I, on the other hand, have had money management shoved down my throat as soon as I could pick up a shovel to scoop poop and earn my keep. Again, two very opposite extremes. When we met, The Hubs was living the good life of partying, skipping class, and spending money like there was no tomorrow. That money, an inheritance from a deceased relative, was taken back by his parents once they saw that it might of well been toilet paper to their son. Jobless and with no direction, I took him under my wing. I willingly let him spend my hard-earned money for a bit over six months. I paid overdue phone bills. I gave him a place to live. I paid for all of our dates. I was a sugar mama.
Eventually, he shaped up and got a job. Moved back in with his parents. Started paying his own bills. Marriage happened soon after all of this, and the question of who would control finances was never disputed. Despite me paying all of our bills from his paychecks, his spending was rarely curbed. He loves to buy things on a whim and ends up coming home to a furious wife. Remember all those balancing changes we've been making? Spending is one of them. Finally, I got him to look at a chart of how we spend his income. After seven years together, I'm happy to say that he's getting it. He's consciously trying to spend less on silly things, like random gas station purchases. However, he is trying to teach me that it's okay to spend money every now and again. He over indulges. I under-indulge. Balancing each other -- that's why it's working.
And that's our
What's your minimalist story in your relationship? Has it been hard to get your partner to jump on board? Do you have a trusty stead that grants you full use of the reigns? Let's share the ups and downs of minimalism's effect on relationships.
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